I am 31. I have absolutely nothing figured out.
Sometimes it scares me, and at other times it's incredibly exciting to be able to direct my own show in any way I choose. Overwhelm, happiness, fear - I feel them all on the daily. Do I want to be a senior yoga instructor in 5 years? A protein ball mogul? Running my own nutritionist practise? 10 x best-selling author? Or maybe a revered food photographer? Guys, I literally have no clue. What I do know is that I'm an excellent juggler, and for right now, that's all I need.
I'm a total control freak.
Not just in the normal ways - like being anal about replying to every email, or planning out my schedule two weeks in advance. I'm talking about everything - how my apps are organised on my phone, how the kitchen cupboards are stacked, what my exercise timetable looks like (yes, there’s a timetable) and what I choose to put in my body. It helps me create order in my chaotic little world.
I don't have a relationship with my mentally unstable mother. I don't feel bad about that.
Last year I let go of feeling like a bad person for giving up on her. For not trying every day to make it better for her. When a relationship is perpetually draining you of energy and happiness, you have to know when it's time to move on no matter how painful. YOU are not responsible for other people's happiness. That decision was me taking control of my own.
My friendship circle is small, but incredible.
I know a lot of people on the Health + Wellness circuit. I've been to hundreds of events and mingled with many inspiring souls. My friendship circle however, is limited to a very special few whom I consider to be exceptional people - they make me want to better myself every damn day. They get me. They range from entrepreneurs, to creatives, to people who also have absolutely no fucking clue what's going on (See point 1), but they all have an incredible energy, great drive and endless passion. Those are my people.
I'm riding solo
In May I broke up with my partner of 10 years. I’ve known him since I was 9 years old - my older brother's best friend, who grew up on my street. Incidentally, he became my best friend. We stood by each other through thick and thin, but earlier this year we parted ways. 2017 had big plans for me, and I rode that wave. Still, he will always hold a very special place in my heart. Now I need to focus on me.
Exercise is my therapy
When I wakeup and feel less than average, getting my heart rate up is the only thing that pulls me out of my funk. Other days I need yoga, pilates, weights, or a walk in the sunshine as soon as I get up. It's just good for my mental.
When I get stressed or anxious I eat and eat, and then eat some more.
After a stint with orthorexia when I was 27, my diet made me feel like I was achieving something great. Ate Greek yoghurt breakfast - tick. Green smoothie for lunch - tick. Salad for dinner - tick. I'm winning at this game…until my body weight and mood showed me otherwise. At 43 kilos, zero menstrual cycle and my hair falling out, I definitely was not winning at the game.
Four years on and a lot of therapy later, I sometimes still use food to deal with my emotions. When I'm incredibly stressed or anxious, I reach for food to calm me down. It's not ideal, but I am still learning ways to sit with and experience my feelings.
It's okay not to get it right all the time guys. It's called being human.
I get lonely
Working from home is a strange beast. I get to roll around in my pyjamas (or birthday suit) for as many hours as I like whilst cracking through my to-do list. I can lay on the couch with my feet on the coffee table whilst writing a blog post, or be letting my fake tan dry whilst I shoot my next instagram job. To top that off, I haven't worn a suit in YEARS - if it isn't elasticated or made of lycra, I'm not pulling it on. HOWEVER, it can be extremely isolating to be hanging around in your own company day on day. Some days I have to force myself to get dressed and walk to a cafe so I get some human interaction and change of workspace. I also don’t know what a weekend is. And I talk to myself - a lot. 2017 saw me employ an awesome PA, so now she has to listen to me, and I’m realising for that she needs a medal.
I love me. Really.
I work fucking hard. I'm incredibly proud of myself and what I have achieved thus far. I've emigrated to the other side of the world. I’ve set up three successful businesses. Now I get to travel, be creative, make things look pretty for my job, and engage with an amazing tribe I have built up through this online world I am so grateful for. I can choose to work whenever I want. I am a strong, independent, goal-kicking chic, and I won't let anyone kill my vibe because…If you don't back yourself, no one will.
I got this. With my many flaws….I still got this, and so do you.
Here’s to another year of learnings and self-discovery.